june 30 2024

while drawing this one i thought 'ohhh maybe i shouldnt make a comic about this i dont like being a downer'... but i realized who am i kidding. theres no fucking way anyone is actually reading any of this lol.
anyways sometimes i really do want to kill myself. not all the time, but it just waxes and wanes in desirability depending on the day. i dont know.
everything seems like its going to shit anyway so it feels like i wouldnt really be missing much if i did end up killing myself. there are less jobs, wages are stagnant and arent rising with inflation, multiple genocides are happening with the government trying to explain why they just haaaave to commit them, its unlikely id even be able to support myself like people could in the past. id just be saving myself from suffering. but then its like... then id have to put so much thought into how i would kill myself. id need something that would kill quick enough to make me not regret in my last moments (because i know i am a coward and second guess myself all the time) so the normal methods are off the table. poison seems doable but it would probably taste really bad, and it would suck to have that taste in my mouth as i died. id have to kill myself relatively young too because if i waited till i was older, THEN id have to sit down and settle where all my assets would go after my death, because if i dont it'll be a hassle for the people i leave behind (i have first hand experience of this. we're still fucking settling everything from my dads estate more than a year after he died because his will was from 2002 and theyve had to settle a lot of disputes on who gets proper ownership), and knowing myself i would procrastinate that shit to hell and back. and in the end i dont even know if id go through with it because again. i am a coward. its more like an idea i have shelved in the back which needs more research done on it.
there is always the possibility to simply just kill myself /now/, but i dont really want to do that. because there are people who would miss me? i know i have a cousin who really really looks up to me. there are some online friends that might miss my company. my mom would probably be distraught. but it doesnt really discourage me entirely. its just makes me think 'ill just have to wait until they're gone/arent as attached to me, and then ill kill myself'. also, i would rather have at least a few finished stories out there already, so i live on in some aspect after i die, and i currently have. zero. i need to create something before i die or else i would hate myself forever i think.
anyways. i just get this way sometimes. sorry. actually why the fuck am i saying sorry? nobodys fucking reading this other than me. i literally hid this whole thing, you cant access it normally unless you go searching for it. and nobodies going to read it the whole thing through much less follow it weekly for updates, because why would you????? im talking to an imaginary audience. you probably dont even know these notes are here because why in hell would you hover over the image? i didnt tell you at any point. you dont even exist. im talking into a white void. and im happy about that! its not like id have anybody else to talk to. the second id utter the words 'id like to kill myself' itll be full damage control mode from the other person. i know killing myself isnt what im 'supposed' to do. im supposed to live and survive for the smaller things in life or other people or the life ill have when im older which will totally be better or whatever. i understand that. i /try/ to do that, on days where the desire isnt as strong. it doesnt make the desire go away though. im cutting myself off there because its literally getting too long to view properly. whoops! my bad.

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