july 27 2024

$i feel like a horrible person. i try to boost palestinian posts on tumblr (free palestine) and sometimes people (gazans) send asks to me about specific gofundmes. i feel a sense of paranoia and lock-up fear getting them but i post them anyway because i know its the right thing to do. one of those people followed up with another ask for me specifically to donate. can i? do i? i assumed i couldnt but can i really not? does this make me a horrible person because im letting a person die? thats whats happening if i dont donate. im letting a person die. i dont like having other people rely on me because i know i dont like having that power. it makes me nervous. lock-up fear nervous. i need to be good because otherwise im an overall net negative on the people around me. i need to analyse each action i do to make sure its a good action. would replying to that ask saying i cant donate be a good action? does it make me selfish? i dont know how to donate. dont you have that giftcard lying around? youre not even using it. its been sitting around since christmas. youre selfish. hypermanaging every action i ever do is tiring and i want it to stop. i realize ive started doing it online too. i cant reblog the wrong things because that makes me a bad person. i need to reblog the right things else im a bad person. is there anywhere i can just be myself that isnt just being by myself? thats an inherently selfish thought. you have privilege. you cant just sit aside and do nothing. that makes you a bad person. im not even out of highschool yet. stop being a bad person. stop making excuses. youre making it all about yourself. thats what bad people do. youre selfish. why havent you replied yet? you need to reply. stop being a bad person. i think you need to make yourself feel a fraction of the pain that they're feeling. you deserve it. i wonder if kitchen knives can cut skin easily? no, theyre too dull to make a clean cut. you need a sharp knife. i guess thats why people use razorblades. are there any razorblades in the house? does it matter where on the arm i make the cut? i need to repent somehow. i think there are razorblades in the house. maybe i can just use a disposable razor. i need to repent. im a bad person for thinking like this. im a bad person for hesitating. everybody in the house should be asleep now. i could do it now. go do it now. go do it now. go do it now. go do it now. go do it now. go do it now. go do it now. i didnt do it. the realization that i was having actual thoughts of self harm snapped me out of it. the desire is still there though. i think i should do it. just one cut. its what i deserve.$

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