november 19 2024

woo lets give it up for ever growing suicidal tendencies!!!! (bashes head into wall so hard it starts bleeding)
god i feel like a worthless waste of space!!!! i cant fucking do anything. im supposed to be applying for colleges but every time i think about college i start panicking. like a really guttural panic. it makes me want to throw up and start crying. i was supposed to APPLY ALREADY. i KNOW i was supposed to apply already. i keep thinking 'you need to apply you need to be working on it WORK ON IT' but the fact that i was supposed to be working on it already but HAVENT keeps making the feeling worse. i dont even know if ive missed the deadline yet because im too afraid to check. it makes me feel sick. i feel so sick. i dont know what the fuck i want to do or how im going to do it. living as an actual adult feels unobtainable. like i wasnt programmed to do it. its just blank. it feels unreal. what do you mean i have to start doing things. i dont know how to do any of those things. im going to have to get a job but even that feels sickening because it feels like too much. im going to have to apply for jobs and get an interview and then hypermanage what i say in that interview because interviews arent honest theyre just a bit game of social deduction and pleasing and what if i say the wrong things? but to get a job i have to learn how to drive but how? there was some sort of process i had to do but i never did it and now it feels too scary and overwhelming to start. i have a free driving lesson i won from the library that i havent used because im a pathetic mess who cant do anything right or take advantage of anything. i dont even know if it would still be valid, which makes it worse because i wasted something free for no fucking reason. whats wrong with me? why cant i do anything right? the only thing i can do right is school but even then im a fraud in that too. people keep praising me for being a model student but i DONT KNOW HOW I GOT THERE. even what i feel is my worst rushed work still gets 90% so whats the fucking point of even trying at all? why are they praising me? im not even trying. im lying to them. you liar. all you do is lie and lie and lie. you want to be open about what you truly feel but you cant because thats 'rude'. you cant say that you feel a sense of detachment from everyone youve ever known. you cant say that you hate your mother. you want to say shes the source of your problems but you know it wasnt on purpose so you hold your tongue. you mask. youre always masking even in your own home. but masking what? you dont know. it doesnt matter. none of this matters. this is all so fucking pointless. you cant even cope properly, all you know how to do is just not think about it. that doesnt solve anything. it makes things worse. you really are a net negative on the world arent you? someone who people will feel grief for, for a little bit, before realizing that you arent really someone deserving of that grief. like a toxic partner who had good moments but overall made your life hell. they'll move on and get over it. worthless piece of shit.
have i considered that i probably shouldnt be putting this much personal stuff on a public website? yes but i dont fucking give a shit anymore. who cares. none of this fucking matters in the long run and i know nobody here actually cares about me personally. we're strangers. shut the fuck up. <- CAN YOU TELL THAT THE SUICIDAL THOUGHTS ARE WINNING HERE.

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